Called shittytel customer service.
Explained my story to Yet Another Person, who sounded like he was writing the whole thing down. He said he’d put another order into the DSL group and it should be working by 5pm tonight. He also said he’d credit my account $25 for putting up with this bullshit. We’ll see if either happens.
Update: 5pm came and went, and still no DSL. By the time I got around to calling them up AGAIN, customer service was closed. Gotta wait till monday now.